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One Word - Walls

Limehead Kitty
I’ve put them up brick by brick, in neat and sloppy rows. Laid in leisure, laid in pain, elevated by years of hurry and thinking I’m less than, wondering if I’m so different that I’m not worthy of love.

You pull them down with your honesty, your tenacity, your bravery, your willingness to see and know me as I am. You pull them down when you stay.


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Musings

Limehead Kitty
Star off in the distance, shining just for me;
Bewilderment, yet wonder, is all I'm meant to see.

"Accept my light with gladness, and beside you I will stand;
I whisper in the space between, not always at your command.
I'll guide you and protect you, as I have from the start;
I'll never leave you, dear one, for I live inside your heart."


(January 2012)

God Moment

Limehead Kitty
Confession of the Day:  I'm not always great at listening to guidance.  I'm not talking about when a friend or family member gives you advice.  I'm talking about that "small still voice" that whispers the wisdom that is needed in the moment.  "Slow down as you come over this hill."  (Bam, there's a speed trap!)  "Check the nuts, they are about to burn."  (Aha!  Perfectly toasted!)  "Be careful what you say to this person."  (Later a story of betrayal.)

It's hit or miss.  Sometimes I listen, sometimes I don't.  I usually regret it when I don't.  I think that guidance, intuition is actually Guidance with a capital "G".  The Universe's way (or God's way) of directing you on your path.

You Gotta Start Somewhere

Limehead Kitty
I have stacks of journals.  Stacks and stacks of them.  And I'm pretty damn sure that all of them are unfinished.  I like to write, but secretly think that someone will read what I write and be horrified or judgmental or just plain bored.  But, this kind of writing, the one where you pick up a pen or commit to your keystrokes should solely be about me.  Whatever genius or nonsense or bullshit I've got to pontificate in the moment.

Amongst the stacks of unfinished journals, I've also got books of topics with pages for suggestions of things you might want to write about... (Yes, I paid money for these as well)

Where do I start?  Beginning to end, end to beginning, or strictly at random?  Shit.  (Just pick something, and write about it, and see where it takes you!)  Ok, here goes...

Question:  Who do you admire and why?

admire:
– Verb (used with object)
1.  to regard with wonder, pleasure, or approval.
—Synonyms
1.  esteem, revere, venerate.

I admire my friend Geema.  She is fearless, beautiful, generous of heart, and funny as hell.  I admire that she will pack a bag, go to a foreign country on her own, and find new friends wherever she is.  She's like a magnet, drawing people with stories and open minds to her like a moth to a flame.

I love people, but have great social anxiety.  When at a party, I'm usually the wallflower, rather than dancing in the spotlight.  In my dreams, I dance freely, without care for what others think.  In reality, in a crowded place, I quickly retreat to the corners.  Because there's a better chance there that I'll be able to find out what your story is (and actually be able to hear you). 

Who do you admire and why?

d

A Writer Writes, Always

Limehead Kitty
This is a line from a quirky 80's movie. Can anyone guess? Perhaps someone more famous than Billy Crystal said it before, but it's a line that has always stuck with me. Am I a writer? What makes a writer?

A stream of consciousness poured out on paper? I would have to say that I'm no writer then; because I've got stacks of journals enthusiastically begun that fizzle out and end up as sad testaments to my dreams of being a "writer". If I am to be painfully honest, I must confess that if I continue tirelessly scribing every thought and whimsy and spastic emotion, that the inescapable truth will be revealed. That just because I write doesn't mean that I'm a writer.

Quizzically yours,

d

Nostalgia

Limehead Kitty
They wash over me, these waves of nostalgia.  Paths cross, run parallel, then unwind in different directions.  Exciting and new, and just a wee painful to watch them go.  And so it goes...  I found myself crying in the car the other night... A beautiful song came on by Divine Appointment, and I couldn't resist it's call to keep looking up, keep looking for the joy and gladness that surely comes around the bend.  

On a different note, I led the prayer circle at Inner Quest Tuesday night.  It always feels good to send such out such loving intentions.  It feels like what I'm meant to do.  Or, it's part of my path of purpose, for sure. 

Sometimes I feel like my list of "should's" and "supposed to's" is longer than I'll ever have time to complete.  Sometimes I forget to enjoy the beautiful moment of accomplishment when it happens, before moving on to the next thing.  I think the Universe is telling me to slow down and savor those moments, because the list will keep. 

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. "         
— Ferris Bueller


Indeed, Ferris.  Indeed.

Hobbling Toward Health

Limehead Kitty
How do you take a metaphysical approach to weight loss? I just typed, "I'm at war with my fat rolls."  (Delete, delete, delete)  How can I expect to win a war with MYSELF? 

I feel like having a "What the Bleep Do We Know" moment, taking a bath and covering myself with hearts and flowers and the words "I LOVE YOU".  Of course that would require that I clean my tub (way overdue), and oh yeah, I'm currently too fat to fit comfortably in it anyway.  Showers of shame.  And so, I wrestle with my physicality, knowing all too well that my body reveals what I'd rather hide from all the world.  A life out of balance.

I want to be a harmonious reflection of the trifecta that is the human experience.  Body. Mind. Spirit.  In the healthy expression of all three, I will find my way HOME.

And so, today, I walk toward manifesting.  And so it is.

Daydreams

Limehead Kitty
I keep thinking about babies.  Last night at prayer circle, I put in my first prayer about it.  I've thought about it plenty, but this was my first plea to God that I am easy on the path to a healthy pregnancy. 

A little light to lift the light of the whole.  How awesome.  And all the better if it has my eyes and my husband's beautiful skin. 

Love. 

Coffee Table Book

Limehead Kitty


03Image by Alex Dram via Flickr

No, this isn't a picture of me.  But, I am going to get some boudoir photos taken.  I have four months to feel good enough about my myself to take a picture not unlike this one.

My husband doesn't know.  Yet.  This will be his present for Valentine's Day.  Yes, I'm planning that far in advance.  I have to.  I have quite a ways to go...

Missing You

Limehead Kitty
It's hard to miss you.  I get caught off-guard by it, in the most random of moments.  While I'm sitting in traffic, because for a long time that always seemed to be the best time to reach you. And now, we don't talk. 

Sometimes, it's hard to wish that you had a relationship with someone that you might never have.  Sisters.  A rainbow of relationships resides under this title.  Best friends.  There, a rainbow of possibilities too.  In my ideal, it's different for us than it is between us now.  More like the love & laughs end of the spectrum, and not this painful, awkward distance state of exile.

I have an instant to vent in, and when I reach for the phone, you're the person that I want to call.  But, I don't call.  Too many times I called, and you didn't answer.  Little disconnects come to seem like little rejections, over time. 

I'm so ambivalent.  Sometimes, I just chuckle and throw up my hands and just entrust it to the Universe.  Sometimes, I'm in my "little me", and I can't seem to catch the tears before they fall. 

It's just so damn weird.  You put time, love, & efforts into friendships & familial relations, and still they can get all jacked up into twisted versions of their former selves.  Somewhere, step by steps again, we took a wrong turn.  You're off, being the hands of feet of Jesus, and I'm trying to practice what Jesus taught and not judge.  And we each have our lessons in our oddly parallel tracks.  And you're off, living the life of "either I'm obsessed or it's dead to me" and I'm trying to find a comfortable chair in your dead zone. 

So, where does that leave me?  Wrestling with my metaphysical strivings toward acceptance that, YES, this is indeed too also Universal Flow.  There is God & expansion in this too.  I can see it's outline behind the veil, a gift yet to be revealed.  And so, I wait and try to forgive myself.

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