Done:
Ceremony location booked
Reception location booked / deposit paid
Photographer booked (1 payment left to go)
Wedding cake ordered/paid
Rehearsal outfit
Wedding day outfit (dress, bra/corset, earring, hair pin, brooch, bracelet)
Stamps bought for program
Van for shuttling folks around
Invitations ordered & mailed
Directions for attendees to ceremony
Hotel blocking
Website finished
Shower guest lists made & invites out (by hosts) :-)
Ordered luminarias
Wedding rings done
T earrings
T suit
Wreath (made of succulents. praying it actually lives to be hung)
Flowers by my cousin
Need:
Shoes for rehearsal
Recipes for rehearsal dinner & shopping
Rehearsal invitations?
Centerpieces
Puzzle box
DJ (or to build ipod playlist & recruit MC from friends)
Band for ceremony
Baggo?
Finalize cleaner & schedule
Pillow materials
Bolt of cloth
Bathroom rug & seat cover
Find FedEx/UPS location for Saturday delivery
T shirt, shoes
LOSE WEIGHT
Alter dress
Finalize flowers
Go on bachelorette weekend & showers (mustn't forget to have fun!)
Make:
Signs for sanctuary (wood, chalkboard paint, rope, chalk)
Wedding signs (for the road)
Programs (paper, ribbon, stamp ink)
Candid shot station (PVC, fabric, thrift shop for props)
Wine charms
Food labels
Pillows
Decorate curtain
Guest book
I'm forgetting a bunch of stuff, I think. Holy shit. I have less than 2 months to go.
I think sometimes that I do this, because I have this fear that someone will see me with it (my diary), get curious, and my silly secret shades of gray will be discovered. What am I hiding? A not-so-secret addiction to food, a transparently hidden self-doubt, a pathetic tale of friends who disappoint, or some challenging family ties?
Big. fucking. deal.
And yet, I think those superficial threads weave a tapestry of deception that clouds the real reason for those half-hearted efforts at bald-faced honesty.
I'm afraid that if I'm honest, you'd finally discover how boring, how unloveable, how uninteresting I really am. And then, you'll move on, time will move on, and my existence will only be a momentary fart in the cosmic orgasm of the enending Universal flow.
Here's a picture of me, because I know you all have missed me so very much. (I'm on the left.) :-)
Phase I of Awkward:
So, tonight I finally peel myself off the couch to go to dinner. I took Guinness (have I told you about Guinness my dog?) with me, and couldn't decide where to go on my solo date with myself. I cruised around, making a decision on a restaurant, only to change my mind two seconds later as I was driving through the parking lot. I finally ended up at The Flying Biscuit.
I even waffled about whether or not I'd eat there after I parked, but then I said "Fuck it; I got princess parking right up front. I'm staying." I walked some trash over to the garbage can (so Guinness wouldn't go to town on it while he waited for me in the car), and then I strolled up to the front door of the restaurant, which was being held open by an observant waiter. "Hi! How ya doin'?" he asked.
"Great!"
The tendrils of self-consciousness started to wind themselves through my mind, as I followed the server inside. The sheer indecisiveness of my ride followed behind me, and reared its head again when I was asked what should have been a simple question.
"Where would you like to sit?", gesturing to the empty booths and chairs. Not there, glare in my eyes. Not there either, too close to the kitchen. The server obviously began to share my moment of confusion, looking to me to clarify with an answer. He looked at me, and I just started to laugh. I apologized through the giggles, and he said, "Oh no problem. We just had ourselves a little moment, didn't we?"
How about the bar? Cool. I sit. Wait, not cool. Uncomfortable! Back to a table. Waffle much? Good Lord. I laughed nervously at my inability to make a decision. I parked it, and and began to flip through my book, eyeing the small crowd. The music was loud, and the pattern on the tables were louder. The words on the pages swam like a pool of non-sense in pig Latin. I breathed a sigh of relief as my waitress came up and offered me a menu. Ahhhh...distraction.
Did I mention that around that time I started to seriously reconsider my outfit choice? What was originally a fun & adventureous selection became a skanky mistake. I looked down & realized... my boobs are pretty much busting out of the top of this shirt. And not perkily peeking in a fresh look of sexy mystique, but sadly lounging like a retired drunken Saturday night at Panama City Beach.
*sigh*
Dinner was great. I enjoyed a interesting drink, Guinness with a shot of espresso. Washed down the awkwardness just enough to ward off what felt like an oncoming panic attack. The check couldn't come fast enough.
Phase II of Awkward:
I leave the restaurant and enter the sweet, sweet refuge of my car. Wait. Sweet? Um, no. More like the humid scent offense of a dog's anal gland. Awwww, damn! "Seriously Guinness? You need to poop, don't you pet?" My question was met with the sideways glances of guilty puppy eyes.
I pull over to check the mail, and then I let the pup out to potty. He does his business in short order and runs down the hill toward me. Now, Guinness has this charming habit of sitting on/near my feet. True to form, he plops down right in front of me, only this time, he immediately starts worrying with his back end. With the limited illumination of my car's headlights, I pull up my dog's tail, and low and behold, there is a lovely dingleberrry dangling from his ass, barely hanging on by one of my hairs. Niiiiiice. And of COURSE I DON'T HAVE A SINGLE POOP BAG.
I paced up and down the sidewalk in the dark, desperately hunting for the perfect leaf to pull the shit out of his butt, and had to settle for a stick instead. I only succeeded in smearing the shit onto his balls. Daaaaaaamn.
"Ok, get in the car!" (Please Jesus, don't let him sit his poopy butt on the seat.")
Conclusion of Awkward:
We make it home, and I get the joy of relieving my dog of the stragglepoop. Thank God for wet wipes. I am so lucky to have these types of Friday evenings all to myself. But hey, it ain't a party until someone has to handle excrement.
I have to give thanks that God has such a awesome sense of humor. :-) It's what makes life worth living, you know?
So, I think I'm ready to come back. I even brought my suitcase full of drama to prove it. Don't get up... I know where everything is. Can I get you something? Coffee perhaps? No?
Ok, so enough about you... D's back in tha house!
Much Belated offering to Father's Day. (Or, maybe early for next year?)
Dad,
These are things that I remember from my childhood... Things that still make me smile. Love you!
I remember running to the front door when I would hear your car pull into the driveway… You were an "every other weekend" Dad. I'd throw my little arms around your neck and hug you as tightly as I could, breathing in your cologne (Royal Copenhagen, remember?). I remember times with you always seemed like a new adventure… You were the one who opened my eyes to art, culture, and a big world outside the grass and old ballfields of my neighborhood park.
I remember you taking me to tap and ballet classes. I remember feeling like a clumsy, chunky kid, doing the "fa-lap-ball-change" in a line of pink leotards and fresh-scrubbed faces. You were the one taking me to ballet recitals, and I remember that you made the tu-tu that gave me one of my earliest tastes of what it felt like to beautiful, if not graceful. I still have the picture where I'm bedecked in yellow and sequins, beaming my gap-toothed grin. They handed me my first (albeit loaned) bouquet of roses for the shot, and I didn't even care that the roses were plastic and dusty, and that they smelled weird. I just remember feeling like Miss America. Not every girl can say that!
I remember all the trips you took us on… The endless hours in the car for the Florida vacations ("Are we there yet? Huh? Huh? Huh? Are we almost there?"). Fighting over "the hump" with my Sister for the best vantage point of the road. And what about the trip to Washington? We fell into bed every night absolutely exhausted, having walked miles and miles by every historical house and artifact known to man at the time. I don't remember what I saw where and when, but I do remember the wonder of dinosaurs and the Hope diamond and whales, all seen for the very first time while holding your hand.
I remember the very last time you ever carried me into the house. I fell asleep in the back seat of the car, and you didn't want to wake me. What you didn't know was that I really wasn't asleep. I just wanted you to carry me, because you were so strong and I felt so safe and protected in your arms. I remember you grunting with the exertion of it, because I really was too big to carry like that any more. I've never been carried like that again.
I remember you teaching me how to ride a bike. It was a pink Huffy bike with streamers on the handles and a wide, cushy seat. I know now that I looked like a frog when riding it, because the seat was so wide. I was so scared for you to let go, but I didn't look back, because I had 100% faith that you were right there behind me. I was a good distance away when I heard you cheering me on down the street. Your grin probably matched mine when I pedaled back to you. You looked so proud, and I felt so accomplished. I didn't wonder then, as I do now… Was it hard to let go?
I remember you teaching my sister how to drive. She practiced in your Jeep, and I jumped out of the back crying, as it hitched and lurched down the road. I was terrified, but you just laughed and told my sister to keep trying. "You'll get it! You'll get it!", you said, coaching her in confidence the whole time.
I remember a little shrub next to your driveway that bore the brunt of your Christmas decorating enthusiasm, festooned each year with the fattest lights you could find. A humorous lesson in the concept of "out of proportion".
I remember a misadventure in a Subway station… We were in a HURRY to catch the next train, and my sister and I struggled with the turnstile. You called out to us, "This is how you do it" and proceeded to hop over the turnstile. Your foot must have caught, because the next thing we know, you're falling over the turnstile and tumbling to the ground. We laughed, you hobbled off mumbling under your breath, "I guess that's what I get for trying to be a smart guy!"
I wrote this about the Women's Retreat I went on in October...
I was lying on the ground, sliding a bit on the slick plastic, surrounded by 24 other women from Inner Quest. There was a palpable sense of anticipation hanging in the air, along with the gnats and our concerted breaths. The earth was cool beneath our bodies, and each woman was clutching her Passport to the emotional and metaphysical story of her heart. I was a bit nervous, wondering, “Where am I going to go? What is going to happen?” I couldn’t help but be soothed by Cindy’s voice, guiding us into the depths of our soul’s journey in this meditation.
“Get on the train!” Cindy said. “Hurry! Don’t wait, this is YOUR train. Get on it!” And away we went… Backwards in time, back into who I once was, in a previous incarnation. What I was shown there helped me to see a place where I learned to be stuck in self-judgment (ahhh… I’ve been doing this for lifetimes, it’s now clear!), and I was so grateful to acknowledge that lesson and release it to Spirit. What a blessing to realize that the burdens we’ve carried from lifetime to lifetime can be put down in love, so that we can move forward with greater clarity and purpose.
Welcome to the Inner Quest Women’s Meditation Retreat, ya’ll! Why stay and frolic in the kiddie-pool of your soul, when you can dive right on into the deep end? Even though some of us arrived late (due to the Teacher’s of Principle MetaPhysics class), we all dove in together, ready to explore whatever Cindy had planned for us. And let me tell you, I wouldn’t have missed it for the world!
For me, what transpired the rest of the weekend was nothing short of magical. There was magic in breaking bread with all my Inner Quest sisters Saturday night, for the talking and laughing fed my heart just as much as the salmon and peanut-butter pie (YUM!) fed my physical body.
There was magic in my intergalactic waltz with the Universe, led by Emily McManus’ bass flute serenade during our closing meditation Saturday night. I was truly gifted with wonder, and joyful tears streamed down my face.
Sunday morning came early (especially considering my late night in the “Giggle Girl Room”). Normally, I have to drag myself out of bed like a petulant child, begrudging the dawn for stealing away the quiet of night and dreams already forgotten. But, the sound and smell of percolating coffee caffeinated my mind before I even had a cup, and the chimes cleared the fog of my sleepy brain with ease. I sprang out of bed with a SMILE on my face, eager to set out on the next adventure.
Now, it’s funny to me that wherever women gather, there is almost ALWAYS a bounty of food, and Sunday’s breakfast was no exception. Thanks to a hearty helping of a fluffy frittata and cheesy hash browns, I was ready for another heart-opening mind-meld of love and introspection.
Morning meditation took us within again, where we found the answer to the question, “What new belief do I choose to grow within myself?” When you consider how important our beliefs are, after all they color how we see everything, this question encouraged a NEW choice. We are eternal, and when we come to this life, we have the opportunity to choose. If a belief no longer serves us, we get to choose again! How powerful are we?? How wonderful!
Whatever each woman consciously chose to grow within herself took root (literally) in a lovely ceremony of planting after the meditation. We each took a pansy, which symbolically represented that new belief, and planted it in the fertile soil of love, sisterly support, and Georgia earth. What an awesome sight, to see so many women choosing again; choosing to be open channels for God’s healing and purpose in their lives.
My favorite part of the retreat was the “Ribbon Ceremony”. Each woman tied a ribbon on another, while sharing the qualities within the woman that they honor. Ribbon after ribbon was tied on buttons, zippers, glasses, fingers, jewelry, and anything else that would hold the rainbow of silken colors. Tears, smiles, and hugs punctuated each exchange, until the love and appreciation knitted us all together as one. I couldn’t help but be amazed! How wonderful is it to be affirmed and validated by so many… I hold this feeling tenderly in my heart even now, and I joyfully send it out to all!
I am truly grateful for the magical time I spent at IQ’s first Women’s Meditation Retreat. I was thrown in the deep end, yes, but I realized that with belief in the unique gift that I came to bring (the beautiful gift of the light I AM) and the loving support of others, I can navigate the unending waters of life with hope and love. What a world we can create, when we open to the unlimited potential in ourselves and others!
Yea God!!
This one. What's up with this one.
Does this look a little like a bedsheet? Or those gauzy wispy tropical island white drapes, with a twist in the middle?
Apparently, I was feelin' some sass in this picture.
WHOA... It's like I was on a fashion roller coaster, bridal style. Oh, hells no.
The bra that they put me in was kinda crazy ya'll, but look! The little capped sleeves...they help hide my arms!
You know, I never figured myself to be a tiered dress kinda girl, but me kinda likey.
Ok, I admit it. I felt pretty in this dress. Bridal. "Hey, do you sell this in BLUE? No? Daaaaaaaaamnit."
Awwww.... Pretty! But, wait. That would be filthy within 5 minutes, what with dragging along behind me in the woods. Pretty, but no... And, oh yea, it's WHITE.
Meh.
Look, I realize I've been neglecting you people, and because I love you all so very much, I'm giving you a picture of me in the most ridiculously ugly wedding dress EVER.
I honestly don't know where to start. Ok, IGNORE the boob almost popping out. Wait. Nevermind. Just focus on the boob. That's all that's worth a damn in this picture.
WTF is this Grecian nightmare? Why did I even bother, you ask? My cousin made me do it. More details (and AWFUL PICTURES) to come!
Also seen tonight on CNN, the first instance of "beaming" a reporter into the CNN studio to deliver her report. I think Scotty & Captain Kirk would be proud!
Right now, I'm kicking myself in the ass that I can't watch this with a glass of wine and some pizza or something... :-)
Clergywife wanted to see pix of where I'm getting married... I swear I posted these in my last entry, but they fell off the post for some reason? Ok, so here we go!
This is the view of the house, from where I was standing inside the Stone Circle where I will be married.
This is the view from the deck of the house, looking toward the Stone Circle.
This is a couple shots of the reception location!
I did a meme FOREVER ago. It involved a request for pix... Better late than never?
Pixie wanted to see pix of the inside of my fridge and my kitchen. Lucky for her, I just went shopping when I took these... 
Oh, and I can't forget my freezer, yes?
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
maggie_may123 wanted to see some nekkid pix. Sorry, girl, no can do. :-)nikitamehta I don't actually have any pictures of what I want my home to look like, other than an expansion upon what already is... I think maybe I could post a few pics from around here? I know someday I'd like to have a very environmentally-friendly home. :-)
Ok, the font just got all weird... Gonna post, and see what happens.
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